The other day was Valentines Day, the day of romance, I had to work. Hey, I’m glad to work whenever I can I have a family to support. Being Valentines Day I thought it would be nice if I did that one job on the honey do list that is easier for me than for my wife.

Yep, I stopped in at Whole Foods on the way home to pick up a few things since it’s so far from our house and I pass it every day for work. The wife being who she is even gave me directions to where exactly what she wanted was. So there I am in the front door, hang a left, and directly across the way from the customer service desk manned by perky people , which I admit is nicer than most other stores, is the item of my hunt, my daughters Spry mouthwash and some tea tree stuff for the wife.

So as I’m hunkered down on the floor checking out the mouthwash on the very bottom shelf I called my wife real quick on the phone she insisted I needed  to make sure that my daughter wanted coolmint. I hung up grabbed the bottle and turned my head and there was some lady’s lady bits directly in front of me. Now mind you I’d noticed someone walk up next to me I just didn’t expect to be faced with a woman’s nether regions suddenly and my owlish look to the woman only got me a smile and a cultured drawl of “excuse me” and a giggle from the chic.

I quickly stood up and stepped away only to have her step closer and attempt to bat her fake eyelashes which actually made her look like she had spiders attempting to attack her face.  I was mortified and somewhat confused, so I did what any self respecting husband would do and I attempted to go into stealth mode and  blend in with the fru fru soaps, organic conditioners, and goat milk body scrubs as I briskly got the hell out of there, much to the lady’s chagrin if her pout and foot stamp were any indication.

So now I’m heading for the checkout and I notice that there are copies of me running around, there had to have been at least 6 other guys that I saw that were all wearing flannel and work boots with a ski cap. I was the only one that was rumpled and dirty though because most of the other guys sported actual iron pressed clothing and creases?  Yuppies in flannel! What is the world coming to?

So this isn’t the first time some random woman has hit on me during a workday this lady though must have thought I was one of her herd based on my clothes style but I was literally covered in dirt from work on this occasion and this woman was hitting on me . Must be my animal magnetism. 

Well, my wife says it’s that I “look like someone who can actually get stuff done and deep down a woman wants a man that might actually be useful in a survival situation based on whatever their subconscious idea of actual survival is”. All because I had dirt caked boots and stained hands though? It wasn’t the bad boy air per chance?

From what I’ve seen most guys that hang around the fancy grocery store don’t look like they’re allowed to go out and get dirty.

Just an observation there.

Yuppies in flannel, please do something to reign in your spider eyed women.


I am just completely flabergasted, yet again, by one of my children.  Bellatrix wrote a poem for her class the other day and today was her turn to read it.  We of course couldn’t find it in the pile of work we didn’t file away the other day so I wrote it down from memory for her to read (it wasn’t that long) Well, she read it all right but stumbled over a couple words because I had chicken scratch going on today and then when the teacher asked if she wrote it or if Mom did my kid was like “Mom did” and well,

yes, I literally wrote it…out. for. her. 


Of course we did in fact find her (paper she had herself written on) poem after her last class when we were shuffling papers before doing Study Island 

OMGS, this isn’t the first time something like this has happened, you’ll recall that she didn’t elaborate on what she comprehended during an exam because the teacher “should have been paying attention to what the story when it was being read” [faceplam]

Oh she’s not the only one though, her brother is like that too.  I’ll never forget Stephan when he was little and he’d gotten in trouble for something and his dad was giving him a talking to and was waiting for Steph to reply but the poor kid was so nervous because he knew he’d messed up that nothing was coming out, lol.  That’s when his father looks at him and says, “Well spit it out already”

And Steph literally spit on the floor at his dad’s feet.

It took a supreme amount of effort for us to hold in the laughter that was attempting to erupt let me tell you.


So two of my kids don’t get jokes or figurative speech sometimes, and it’s my fault, they get it from me. I’m not going to lie I bust out laughing one day in the middle of walking into the mall a few years ago when I finally “got” the commercial “Every Kiss Begins with Kay” Oh yeah, I for years thought to myself of course it begins with the letter K.  

So, in honor of all the other literal thinkers out there, those of us who sometimes make our families crazy I wanted to share with you more Future geniuses! – Kids who are too literal for their own good.